So, here it is, my annual Eurovision song review.
As I’ve done for the last few years, I’m about to post a full review of this year’s songs from the Eurovision Song Contest and, as always, there are some good ones, and some rather questionable ones, but you’ll get a general idea of them from the review below. This time, it’s all one long review, due to there not being as many entries this year. Quite a lot of countries pulled out this time either due to financial difficulties or they just couldn’t be bothered coming back this year because of protests against the so-called ‘Big Five’.
(Yes, Turkey, I’m looking at you…)
Anyway, see what you think.
Albania (Hersiana Matmuja – One Night’s Anger): Once again, Albania have sent a naff song, but at least it’s tolerable this time so I can live with it. Just.
Armenia (Aram MP3 – Not Alone): This song is much better than the one from the shite band who thought they were Black Sabbath you sent last year, Armenia. Well done.
Austria (Conchita Wurst – Rise Like A Phoenix): First up, is that male or female?! Second, they’ve got a sort-of decent song that sounds like a James Bond theme throwback. Third, they might even reach the final this year. There are a lot of rubbish songs so there’s hope for the Austrians yet.
Azerbaijan (Dilara Kazimova – Start A Fire): Azerbaijan should have been kicked out last year when they were accused of cheating and rigging votes to get points. They’re still getting nowt from me.
Belarus (TEO – Cheesecake): What, in the name of absolute HELL, is THIS?! All you’re reminding me of is Peter Kay! (A cake of CHEESE?! Not in my lifetime!) No final for you this year, Belarus. See you in the semis.
Belgium (Axel Hirsoux – Mother): Oh, Belgium, have you learned NOTHING from countries that have sent classical crossover songs? I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again… it doesn’t work!
Denmark (Basim – Cliché Love Song): As I said last year, the country that won Eurovision the previous year usually sends something that’s unlikely to win it the following year. And, this year, the Danes are no exception to the rule. Sorry but, as much as I like you, Denmark, I don’t like your song this year. There were much better songs in the final and you went with THIS?! Don’t expect to win two years in a row. Not a chance!
Estonia (Tanja – Amazing): Did someone lose the memo that said Germany sent a Euphoria knock-off to Eurovision last year and totally bombed in the final? Estonia will probably suffer the same fate this time. Nice try though.
Finland (Softengine – Something Better): I can do indie rock. That’s cool. And this song is actually quite good. Not sure about it winning though, as they’re no Lordi, but it’ll definitely get to the final.
France (Twin Twin – Moustache): Désolée, France, mais votre chanson est MERDE! Yes, just like last year, the French have sent a rubbish song to Eurovision. Where are Anggun and her fit dancers from two years ago when you need them?!
FYR Macedonia (Tijana Dapčević – To The Sky): I’m not keen on this song but it’s still better than the majority of the naff songs this year. That is all.
Georgia (Mariko Ebralidze and the Shin – Three Minutes To Earth): Oh gawd, the hippies have arrived! Have I hopped into the DeLorean and gone back to the 1970’s? I can normally do retro but this is shit! Though not as shit as that weirdo from two years ago so I can forgive you, Georgia. Just.
Germany (Elaiza – Is It Right?): To answer your question, Germany, no it isn’t. Good thing you’re already in the final…
Greece (Freaky Fortune feat. Riskykidd – Rise Up): MUCH BETTER GREECE! Not a man in a kilt with a funky moustache singing about free booze in sight! Instead, you’ve got a Steve Jones lookielikie singing a nice little dance number for you! Well done!
Hungary (András Kallay-Saunders – Running): A nice song sung by a fit guy with a teddy bear. No, I have no idea why the teddy’s there, either.
Iceland (Pollapönk – No Prejudice): Iceland have had some nice songs over the years. This isn’t one of them. It’s horrible!
Ireland (Can-Linn feat. Kasey Smith – Heartbeat): Well done, Ireland, for not sending Eoghan Quigg to Eurovision. You have my vote for that. PS: Hope you don’t suffer the same fate as last year. Poor Ryan Dolan was robbed in the final!
Israel (Mai Finegold – Same Heart): Another country who have obviously lost the ‘Euphoria knock-off’ memo are Israel. Having said that, they’ve finally re-entered the 21st Century by sending something that isn’t outdated and boring to Eurovision, so they have my vote for that. They’ll probably still get no points from Germany though. They never do.
Italy (Emma Marrone – La Mia Città): WOW! Italy DO rock after all! Brilliant!
Latvia (Aarzemnieki – Cake To Bake): So, we have a cheesecake from Belarus and now Latvia are asking us to bake a cake? Quick, someone call Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood!
Lithuania (Vilija Matačiūnaitė – Attention): Blimey, Lithuania, that’s a lot of shouting! You had a decent song last year and now you send something resembling a tuneless shoutathon?! *shouts through megaphone* SEE… YOU… IN… THE… SEMIS!
Malta (Firelight – Coming Home): When I first saw the title of this song, I thought ‘Iceland are going to sue for nicking their song’ but, actually, it sounds nothing like Sjónni’s Friends. It’s actually very Mumford and Sons-esque and it’s a lovely song. Malta have clearly gone for the folk song option again, having come eighth last year with a very smiley doctor, and they’re probably going to the final again with this song. Hell, they could even win it, given the amount of naff songs this year!
Moldova (Cristina Scarlat – Wild Soul): Nice enough song. Can’t understand a word of the English pronunciations though. (See also Switzerland 2012.) Sorry Moldova.
Montenegro (Sergej Ćetković – Moj Svijet): For once, Montenegro have sent a nice song. And Sergej looks a little bit like Tony from Hollyoaks. That’s all I’ve got on that one.
Netherlands (The Common Linnets – Calm After The Storm): The Dutchies have sent Eurovision’s first ever country song which, if it works, could get them into the final for the second year in a row. Think of Taylor Swift and Garth Brooks singing together and you’re onto a winner.
Norway (Carl Espen – Silent Storm): Oh, Norway, what have you done? You’ve sent someone who looks like a chubby version of Lee Boardman singing a song that’s as dull as dishwater! Still, it’s not totally rubbish, so that’s a bonus.
Poland (Donatan-Cleo – My Słowianie): Another one who obviously lost that bit of paper that said ‘crap rap doesn’t work at Eurovision’ are Poland. Was there any point in them coming back this year? I thought they had more sense! Sorry, Poles, but you’ve totally lost the plot with this one. No final for you again this year. By the way, can Kamil Stoch sing? He’d have probably been better than these two!
Portugal (Suzy – Quero Ser Tua): Remember Lucia Pérez singing for Spain in Düsseldorf with her little ditty a few years ago? She’s now dyed her hair and has changed her name and nationality to sing for Portugal. The song’s not as good either so I can’t see Lisbon hosting Eurovision any time soon.
Romania (Paula Seling and Ovi – Miracle): This is their second outing at Eurovision. Will they fare as good as they did first time round? Only time will tell…
Russia (Tomalchevy Twins – Shine): Russia have let the rest of Europe down over the past few months or so, having banned gay propaganda, and they allegedly turned down an offer for a singer of LGBT persuasion to represent them this year. These two represented Russia in Eurovision’s junior sibling a few years ago and, inevitably, won it. They’re not going to win this year though. Not if the gays of Europe have anything to do with it, anyway. (Sorry Mr. Shit-Container. *)
San Marino (Valentina Monetta – Maybe): Yes, you read that correctly, San Marino have sent the social network addict who likes chrysalises back to Eurovision! I know they’re only small but have they got nobody else they can send? Having said that, the song is nice but I don’t think it’s enough for Valentina and San Marino to finally make it into the final this year. Sorry.
Slovenia (Tinkara Kovač – Spet): Another nice little tune with a flute. What could possibly go wrong?
Spain (Ruth Lorenzo – Dancing In The Rain): For those of you watching in the UK, you may recognise Ruth from our version of The X Factor. Sadly, however, I remember her being a bit rubbish so I don’t expect her to do so well at Eurovision. Sorry Spain!
Sweden (Sanna Nielsen – Undo): Sanna FINALLY won Melodifestivalen! YAY! And she has a brilliant song as well! Nice one Sweden for saving Europe’s sanity!
Switzerland (Sebalter – Hunter Of Stars): Not the best song Switzerland have ever sent to Eurovision, and I still preferred last year’s Salvation Army song, but it’s better than most of the entries on offer this year!
Ukraine (Mariya Yaremchuk – Tick-Tock): I can’t see Ukraine getting much from the rest of Europe this year either. They’re currently at war with Russia over who gets Crimea and they’re still fighting in lumps in the middle of Kiev, so it’s probably put everyone else off voting for them. Once they’ve calmed down a bit, we’ll see. As for the song, that’s enough in itself to put me off, never mind the fighting!
United Kingdom (Molly Smitten-Downes – Children Of The Universe): The BBC have FINALLY learned their lesson and brought us back into the 21st Century by sending a new and upcoming singer to Eurovision instead of has-beens from the past. And what a song we’ve sent! I loved it on the first listen and, as most of the other songs are a bit questionable, I hope we do well. If a young, new and talented singer can’t do well at Eurovision for my great nation, who can? London/Birmingham/Leeds 2015, perhaps? Why Leeds, I hear you ask? Well, Harrogate once hosted it back in the 80’s and, if they can, we bloody can and, if the rest of Europe likes us, it could happen!
And that’s the wrap! I’ll post a Top 5 Eurovision songs nearer the time but, for now, my review is complete.
But which country will win and get the honour of hosting it next year? All will be revealed on 10th May.
* PS: For those who didn’t get the Shit-Container reference, I was on about Putin. But that’s another story.