Room 101.

room-101

To put a spin on my Top 5 posts, here’s one with a selection of pet hates from different categories in the style of Room 101, with added categories of my own. Apologies in advance if this is a bit lengthy. I’m trying to get my point across by explaining everything in detail.

Anyway, enough babbling, on with the post.

Enjoy.

Television – Reality TV
Now, like most people, I like all sorts of programmes on the telly. I’m not a total TV snob. I like the ones where celebrities enjoy throwing themselves off big hills on wintery slopes, tumbling about on a giant bouncy floor or dancing the night away, but TV shows such as Big Brother (including the celebrity ones), The Only Way Is Essex, Made In Chelsea and Gogglebox annoy the crap out of me. I don’t wish to know who has been thrown out of the house for making lewd gestures and rude remarks, nor do I wish to see a group of random people sitting on their backsides talking about what they’ve been watching on the telly. Oh, and on the subject, I’m adding The Jeremy Kyle Show into this too. Take your dirty laundry and air it somewhere else please. Thank you.

Culture – Tabloid newspapers
Well, not all of them, I’m talking about one in particular (whose name is the same name as that bright yellow thing in the sky). The only place this one is good for is the bin. They’ve never been forgiven for the Hillsborough lies all those years ago and Rupert Murdoch is a complete arse. Then there was the time they published a rather rude photo of Prince Harry without permission. Oh, and topless girls with their tits out do NOT belong in daily newspapers. Please take them (and your other pointless crap) elsewhere. I don’t wish to see it every time I walk into a newsagents/supermarket/whatever. I’d rather buy the local newspaper, thank you! It’s probably written better than your average tabloid journalist would do!

Shopping – Rude customers
I’ve had this in my work and seen it happen when out and about shopping. If you want to make a complaint, take it up with the manager and PLEASE calm down. Don’t have a go at me whilst you’re angry at the price of a designer scarf (yes, we’re a charity shop, but we’re also a boutique so things will be a wee bit pricey if they’re real designer goods) and don’t shout the odds about you not wanting something because a) you’re a doctor and b) it’s top whack. Why do I need to know what your profession is? Do I come to your work to complain about the price of prescriptions? No, I do not. Just leave me to do my job and I’ll be happy.

Transport – Buses that always turn up late
I don’t drive so, sadly, I’m reliant on public transport, usually buses, and I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve been waiting for one of the damn things. Nine times out of ten, it’s been late or just never turns up at all. And it doesn’t help when it’s cold and wet, either. So here’s a polite notice to the drivers: you have a timetable to adhere to. Please use it. Thank you.

Jobs – Fancy names for ordinary jobs
Now, as you know, I may be volunteering in a charity shop but I’m also a jobseeker. I just want to apply for something in plain English. What the hell are ‘produce management co-ordinators’ or ‘entrance and exit facilitators’ when they’re at home? Why can’t you just tell us normally? Something like ‘sandwich maker’ or ‘sales assistant’ will suffice for me. At least I know what they are and what it is I’m supposed to be applying for. Fancy names for things I have no clue about just confuses me. Just give me a normal name for it and I’ll do the rest.

Work – People asking me daft questions
I’ve touched on this before but, since I wrote about it, I’ve had at least five people asking me if I work in the charity shop I volunteer in whilst I’ve been sorting stuff out and putting them back in size/colour order and those who’ve asked me other stupid questions, such as asking if they can try stuff on or if they can pay by card. It irrationally annoys me. I still have a lanyard with keyrings, locker key and badge on it, though it is a different one each time, and I enjoy flashing the badge in the face of those who are daft enough to ask if I work there. Please stop it with the stupid questions. If it’s there, you can use it. Obviously.

Names – Celebrity-style baby names
Urgh, this really gets on my wick! Why can’t you just give your kids a normal name so they’re not going to get the piss taken out of them in later life? Take a leaf out of Kimberley Walsh, Lily Allen, Holly Willoughby and Jessica Ennis-Hill’s books and name your kids something that isn’t a place name (except maybe Sydney – I like that name), the name of a drink, a fruit, or even a numerical value. Something normal will suffice. Thank you.

School – Bullies
I may not be in school any more but I’m still adding this here simply because bullies should be banished into Room 101 for all eternity. I was bullied all the way through my school years. It wasn’t that bad when I was at college and university, as people seemed more grown up, but then, about four years ago, I ended up in a small room with about twenty-odd people crammed into it as part of a job centre course thing and got called names by two small-minded idiots who thought it was fun to single me out because I was the only person in there who wore glasses (I won’t tell you what they called me but I still get the same nickname now from my flatmate, only I know he does it in jest). One of them eventually did apologise to me for it whilst the other got kicked off the course for mouthing off at the tutor. At least the guy who apologised had guts, which is more than the bullies who tormented me at school (from my school or otherwise) did!

Technology – Spam
I’ve lost count of the amount of spam emails and phishing attempts I’ve had over the years. No, my bank aren’t overcharging me (they only email me reminders about my online banking), no, I don’t need a new bank card, no, I don’t wish to take part in surveys, no, I don’t want to test a new product and, no, I don’t want a penis enlargement. Last time I checked, I was FEMALE. Why on earth would I want a penis enlargement?! Take your banal rubbish somewhere else please and stop annoying me with it otherwise you’ll find a big ‘marked as phishing scam’ by your email next time!

Special Occasions – Bingo
I know bingo isn’t really a ‘special occasion’ but at most parties I’ve been to over the years, people have been playing the bloody thing and, at one particular hotel in Scarborough, they play it every night so, for that reason, it’s going here. I haven’t played it in years so why do people feel the need to ram it down my throat and drag me into every amusement arcade that has that damn game in it and get me to play it? I call it ‘bastard bollocking bingo’ for a reason and that reason is IT’S SHIT. I don’t mind the odd raffle or tombola but please banish bingo so I don’t have to play it ever again. Thank you.

Travel – Ryanair’s pointless and annoying announcements
Is it really necessary to bombard people with announcements and rambling on about scratchcards every five bloody minutes? And what’s with that really shit fanfare on landing? Just tell us normally! Furthermore, I think we’re all familiar with the rules of the flight. There’s no need to tell us that our mobile phones and other electronics need to be turned off for landing and take-off, or that people can’t smoke on the flight – those rules have been in place for years!

People – Slow walkers
I’ve talked about this topic before in one of my previous Top 5 posts, but they still irritate me irrationally to the point I want to punch them in the back of the head that they’re going in this post too. These can also go into the same category as people that either stop in front of you for no reason or bump into you whilst texting some random person on their phone. Please stop it. If I accidentally bump into someone, or stand on their foot whilst out shopping, I instantly apologise to them. If you do it to me, please do the same. It’s common courtesy and is more polite than just barging into me and walking off. Thanks in advance.

Friends & Family – Facebook oversharing
Facebook in general is starting to piss me off, but people on it who overshare EVERYTHING really grind my gears. Constant posts about being ill, things wrong with you, undying love for partners, your kids and suchlike are enough to drive me up the wall. I did actually delete my Facebook account at one point after one idiot of a ‘cousin’ started harassing me by both direct messaging me on Facebook and text (I eventually had to change my phone number to block him out of my life completely) but was persuaded to rejoin by a family member – only for the same thing to happen again. I have blocked the annoyances (from both real life and online) and have no intention of unblocking them any time soon. Oh, and please stop sending me requests to play stupid games on there. I don’t play Candy Crush, nor do I want to start playing it. And please stop sending me pointless drivel in my direct messages. It drives me crazy and there’s no way I can stop them coming as there’s no option on Facebook to opt out of getting them. Thank you.

Religion – Jehovah’s Witnesses
For starters, I don’t have a problem with other religions. I do, however, have a problem with people who try to bombard you with telling you about their religion and try to get you to join ‘their church’ at every available opportunity. And this lot are buggers for it. I haven’t had them knocking at my door, but I have had them preaching on about it in the centre of Leeds when I’ve been trying to do my shopping. The sooner these God-bothering happy clappers are sent to hell, the better!

Going Out – Noisy clubs/pubs
Picture the scene: you’re going out with friends to celebrate the birthday of one of them, so you go round a few pubs and clubs in town for drinks and to have a good time. The next thing you hear has loud music blaring out so loud that you can hear it outside before you even enter the place. My friends and I did just that last year. The first place we hit had music playing so loud that it deafened you and we couldn’t hear anything anyone was saying, so we had to communicate by showing text on the phone. I also happen to live near of a number of clubs in the city centre and those get loud too, especially on weekends. Fair enough if it’s a bar with live bands playing or someone killing the odd song on the karaoke machine, but noisy music just for the fun of it is annoying, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep. Is it really necessary to have it THAT LOUD? Just turn it down a notch or two!

The Great Outdoors – Seagulls
Ah yes, seagulls. The chavs of the bird world. Picture the scene: you’re sat on Blackpool promenade (or some other town with a beach) watching the sea and minding your own business when, suddenly, a seagull with a gammy leg swoops down and steals your chips. They squawk at every given opportunity, keeping you awake at night when you’re in a hotel close to the beach and, when you least expect it, one of the little bastards will crap all over you. It’s supposed to be good luck if a bird poos on you but it doesn’t look good if you’ve been on a day out at the beach and you’ve got seagull shit all over you on the train back home. And smelly seagull shit at that! Also, if there’s a sign saying “please don’t feed the seagulls”, DON’T FEED THEM! They’re just as bad as your everyday town pigeons. Both of them are flying rats that need to be taught a lesson and they deserve to go into the bowels of hell for being a pain in the arse!

Places – Manchester Victoria train station
In general, Manchester is a nice enough city with plenty of transport links and probably more trams than Blackpool, but a recent poll of worst UK train stations put Victoria at the top of the list. Yes, it’s attached to Manchester Arena, but the whole place is a shithole and in dire need of a good overhaul. I’ve had the misfortune of using this station three times – and it usually takes me forever to get home. It’s a crumbling wreck that leaks at the first sign of rain (which, for Manchester, is almost an everyday occurrence) and I much prefer Piccadilly, myself. Well, when I’m not being told to fuck off by some dickhead not waiting for me to get off the train first, that is. But that’s another story.

Politics – UKIP
I would have put Nick Griffin here but he got dropped by the BNP and I have no idea if he’s still in politics so UKIP get my vote instead. Nigel Farage is a twat and he won’t be getting my vote in this year’s general election. He wants the NHS privatised and doesn’t want us to be in the EU. Furthermore, his stance on immigration is enough to make me gripe. Let’s put him into Room 101 so we don’t have to look at his ugly mug ever again!

Fashion – Garish clothing
I can do retro. Retro is cool. What is not cool, however, is people wearing the most ridiculous Hawaiian shirts or think wearing a yellow and orange combination is a good idea. Who told them they look cool? There’s one woman who presents various bits on The One Show who does just this. On last night’s episode, she was wearing the most hideous yellow and lilac combo whilst walking round some old house. Her lilac dress resembled something my grandma would wear and her yellow coat just didn’t go with it. And then she was wearing the most garish mustard yellow jumper UNDERNEATH the dress! Yuk! I don’t mind dresses that look like a 70’s throwback as long as they don’t look TOO garish, but this woman’s outfit really was terrible! The same thing can be applied to brightly-coloured bags. Yes, I get that runners wear neon yellow bumbags at night so they can be seen, but they just look ridiculous!

Language – Apostrophes in the wrong place
Another thing that really grinds my gears are those people who consistently put apostrophes in places they’re not supposed to be. Take greengrocers, for example. There have been times I’ve walked through Kirkgate Market (and other places where fresh fruit and vegetables have been sold) and seen words such as ‘carrot’s’ and ‘apple’s’ written in big letters on a blackboard. NO! STOP IT! Does the thing belong to the carrot or the apple? No, it does not. It’s CARROTS and APPLES. Same with those people who misuse your/you’re and they’re/there/their. The same thing still applies as that irritates me as well and I’ve seen it a lot on my Facebook and Twitter feeds. Please learn to use them properly otherwise I probably won’t reply to you. Thank you.

Comedy – Michael McIntyre
I HATE Michael McIntyre. There, I said it. No, really, he irritates me to the core. He’s a floppy-haired Southern ponce who thinks it’s fun to annoy the hell out of Northerners and take the piss out of our accents. And this buffoon also supports Spurs. Enough said.

Celebrities – Katie Hopkins
This motormouth didn’t win Dick Of The Year on a recent episode of The Last Leg for nothing. Katie Hopkins needs to learn to think before she speaks, though I don’t think it’s within her capabilities to do so. This is the woman who doesn’t like geographical locations as names for children – yet she has a little girl called India?! A few of her more controversial Twitter comments have even attracted the attention of the Old Bill, including a recent one made about the Scottish nurse who contracted Ebola at the back end of last year and, because of that, she should be banished for all eternity.

Personal – My OWN name
Anyone who knows me personally will know that my real name isn’t actually Lesley (I know, shock horror!) and that anyone other than my parents calling me by my actual name or shortening my name to Les will warrant in them getting a bop on the conk. Only my parents get away with calling me by my actual name, though my mum does occasionally call me Lesley, and that’s the way I like it. I first started shortening my name at school after being teased about my name and have been known as Lesley since I was about 11. Some people do spell my name wrong (i.e. Leslie) but I don’t mind that either. And, before you ask, I’m NOT telling you what my real name is. Not on here, anyway…

Sport – Snooker
Picture the scene: Dennis Taylor and Steve Davis playing in THAT epic World Championship final on 29th April 1985. It also happened to be the day that I was born and all my dad was bothered about was the pissing snooker! For starters, it’s NOT a sport. To me, a sport is something that gets your adrenaline pumping and your heartbeat racing. Something like rugby, for example. Snooker (and, in fact, its sister games pool and billiards) is a GAME. It’s basically two grown men walking round a table with big sticks whacking balls into the nearest pocket. And it bores me to death. I will admit to liking the Chas and Dave song Snooker Loopy, as it was on an old novelty vinyl I used to play non-stop when I was a kid, but I hate the game itself. Also, when I try to play the thing, I can never reach the table as I am a little bit hampered by height issues. Snooker should be sent to the doldrums of hell and never return. EVER. That is all.

Food – Couscous
Couscous: so shit they named it twice! It looks foul and TASTES foul. Same goes for hummus. I know they’re meant to be good for you if, like me, you’re on a diet, but even I won’t touch couscous with a ten-foot pole. It’s minging! I think I’ll just stick to low-fat pasta salads and sushi, thanks!

Drink – Coffee
Another substance I won’t touch with a bargepole is coffee. I don’t mind making coffee for other people but I hate the stuff myself. I don’t like the smell of it and I can’t stand the taste of it. Give me a nice cup of tea any day!

Animals – Spiders
Technically, spiders are arachnids, but I like most other animals so they’re going under this topic. I just HATE them and want to banish them for all eternity. I know they’re useful for catching flies (another annoying little creature) and trapping them in webs but I just can’t stand them and run into another room kicking and screaming whenever I see one climbing up the walls of our toilet or in the bath. I’m not touching the little critters, thank you very much!

Music – Justin Bieber
Do I have to explain why this little oik should also be banished for all eternity? He can’t sing, his fans are idiots, he couldn’t be bothered getting the proper documentation for his pet monkey when he was in Germany, and he turns up late to gigs. Then there was the time he got arrested for being drunk under the influence of alcohol and looked disinterested during the police interview. And then he wonders why nobody in their right mind likes him?

Modern Life – Nuisance callers
If you ring me at 8am on a Saturday morning to sell me PPI insurance or to tell me that I need an upgrade on my laptop, you’ll get a very impolite response from me (which is usually just me slamming the phone receiver down). Also, if you can’t be bothered pronouncing my name properly (seriously, it’s surely not that hard to pronounce ‘Brady’?!), you’ll get the same treatment.

Wildcard – Queue-jumpers
Another group of people who irritate me irrationally are queue-jumpers and those who barge you out of the way whilst you’re trying to disembark from a train with heavy suitcases, which really isn’t something you want or need when you’ve just landed back in the UK after a fortnight in sunnier climes and found out that your train has been cancelled. In Britain, we usually know how a queue works. Sadly, most other countries don’t. Maltese people just barge in front of you as well, as do Brits who think that, because they’re on holiday, they can copy the traditions of the locals. NO! Stop it otherwise, next time, I’ll stand on your bloody foot!

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